


I Need You

by VampireRose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Short One Shot, So much angst, episode 18 spoilers, it hurts, much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:54:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27416080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireRose/pseuds/VampireRose
Summary: "Why does this sound like a goodbye?""Because it is."In which we learn- truly, the good die young.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	I Need You

**Author's Note:**

> This is posted an hour and a half after I finished watching the episode. It completely broke me. I don't cry and TV shows, or movies, or books, but I cried. I cried hard. There are maybe five scenes I cried at in SPN. I cried harder than them after reading Twist & Shout.
> 
> I cried harder than I did at T&S
> 
> So! Fair warning- ANGST

Dean can still hear it.

Every word. Every  _ damn _ word echoing in his mind. Every hit of Billie’s fist against the door. The sound of the Empty opening up in the wall behind him.

He still hears it, all of it. It’s a never-ending loop, the worst, most heartbreaking movie replaying behind his eyes at every second.

_ “I can’t stop it.” _

_ Bang _

He didn’t know where Sam was.  _ If  _ Sam was-

No. He couldn’t think like that.

_ Bang _

_ “She’s gonna get through that door.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “And she’s gonna kill you. And then she’s gonna kill me.” _

_ Bang _

But what about Jack? What if Jack-?

God- No, he can’t say that anymore, this is  _ his  _ fault. 

_ Cas _ , he should never have said that. He wished he could take it back. How could he, Dean Winchester, say, even in anger and desperation, that Jack wasn’t family? He’d helped raise the damn kid.

And said damn kid had heard it. Then he almost died. Sacrificed himself. And Dean never got the chance to apologize. 

Jack hadn’t wanted to hear it.

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “Wait, there is… There’s one thing she’s afraid of, there’s- there’s one thing… Strong enough to stop her. When Jack was dying, I … I made a deal. To save him.” _

_ “You what?” _

_ “The p- the price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and- It would take me forever.” _

_ “Why’re you telling me this now?” _

_ Bang _

Then everyone else… Eileen, Stevie, Greg. Who knew how many others. All gone because of Chuck. Because Chuck had to have his way, his- his  _ perfect ending _ .

_ “I always wondered… Ever since- I took that burden, that curse, I wondered… What it could be, what- What my true happiness could even look like. I... never found an answer. Because the one thing I… Want… It’s something I know I can’t have.” _

_ Bang _

What even was his “perfect ending” anymore? It wasn’t Dean killing Jack in that graveyard. It wasn’t even Jack dead and in the Empty because if it was, Jack would be dead. In the Empty.

If he wasn’t already.

_ “But I think I know. I think I know, now. Happiness… isn’t in… The  _ having _. It’s in just  _ being _. It’s in just saying it.” _

_ “What’re you  _ _talkin_ ’ _ about, man?” _

_ “I  _ know _ … I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, and you’re angry, and you’re broken, you’re D- You’re “Daddy’s... Blunt Instrument”. ‘N you think that… Hate and anger, that’s… That’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you, sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good,  _ and _ the bad, you have done, for  _ Love _. You raised your little brother for Love, you fought for this-  _ Whole world _ \- for Love. That is who you are.” _

_ Bang _

Sam was breaking from the loss of Eileen. Dean knew it. He could see it. Sam had pretty much said he was, anyway. That he couldn’t let himself go because then he’d lose his mind. He’d looked so broken, so  _ lost _ before he schooled his expression to that same mask he’d worn for years.

Dean supposed he knew the feeling now.

_ “You’re.. The most- caring- man… On Earth. You are the most selfless…  _ Loving  _ human being… I will ever know.” _

_ Bang _

And then that smile, that smile that you never saw because Cas never smiled, that one showed up. And his eyes started to fill with tears and they were so wide because he was speaking with such  _ conviction _ that he couldn’t  _ help _ but show it on his face, his usually near-expressionless face, one that wasn’t his but at the same time  _ was _ .

_ “You know, ever since… Ever since we met, ever since- I pulled you out of Hell. Knowing you, has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. But I cared about the whole world- because of you.” _

_ Bang _

Then the tear fell on his face and he took a shaky breath even though he didn’t need to breathe. Because it became something he did after he was turned into a human.

Because it was something he did to put his human companions more at ease.

_ “You changed me, Dean.” _

_ “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” _

_ Bang _

And then Dean started to get it. What Cas was saying, why he’d been giving this emotional speech.

And then he said it.

Why he, and  _ Angel of the Lord _ , was crying.

_ “Because it is. I Love you.” _

_ “Don’t do this, Cas.” _

_ Bang _

Cas loved him. This was the second time he said that. Third, if you count the time after he stabbed Billie and said that they, the Winchester, meant too much to him to let them die.

_ Haaii _

_ Aaiih _

_ Haaii _

_ Squelch _

_ Schchchch _

_ Click-swing _

_ “Cas.” _

_ “Goodbye, Dean.” _

_ “Wha- Uauh,” _

_ Shwuelsh _

_ Shooh _

And Cas threw him to the ground and gave him one last farewell smile. He gave a soft sigh and that cursed blackness flew out. He met it with a smile. One that said he was at peace with his fate. That he was ready.

That he was unafraid.

It took Billie first. She quickly melted into it. Then it hit Cas.

He didn’t melt. Not at first. It surrounded him, swift but gentle. That smile never left his face.

And then he was gone.

Dean’s phone was vibrating on the floor. Sam was calling him but he couldn’t answer. He couldn’t. So instead, he dragged his hands through his hair and cried for his lost-

Then he saw it. It caught his eye, something that just shouldn’t be there. Dean turned his arm and froze.

It was a bloody handprint. Right over that raised scar that had never gone away, that mark he’d born since he’d been brought back from Hell. His first memento of Castiel. And now, his last.

And Dean was broken.


End file.
